The Importance of Feeling Important

I have a lot of experience feeling unimportant. I can’t even count the number of people who have dropped out of my life because of this. I hate the feeling of being set aside. I am selfish with my close friendships / relationships. Not always, but I want occasional alone time. I want quality time spent together. Maybe that’s a problem, but that is what I need. Quality time is my love language.

This happened with my best friend from high school. We went to the same college and continued to go to the same church. It should have been an easy transition. I noticed a change maybe two years into college. She never called me anymore. I was the one contacting her constantly and trying to make plans, but they would always fall through. Eventually, I stopped calling, and she never called. Now she’s a stranger to me.

This also happened with a guy I used to date. He never included me in important conversations. We would make plans to talk or get together and his friends would come along or he wouldn’t show. I didn’t feel a part of his life.

What is the point of this post? Well, being on the unimportant end of so many friendships, this is what I have to say:

Make a point to have a give and take relationship. If you notice that you’re never the person to make plans or you never call, maybe you should step up or you may lose a friend. If you realize you’re the giver, take a step back. People who want to be in your life will be there.

If you’re on the receiving end, what I say to you, is try to find your importance on your own. Know that you ARE important and if those around you don’t appreciate your importance, then you deserve better people in your life.

These are just my thoughts.. I dealt with this subject just last week, so it’s feeling a bit fresh.

 

How I Found My Confidence

I know I post a lot about how I love being single and I don’t need a man and all that jazz, but it has taken work to get where I am.

I had my first relationship from age 19-21. Back then, the “plan” was to get married as soon as I graduated college. That was the thing to do. That’s what the culture is here. I remember in 2007 (when I was in that relationship) we went to SEVEN of our friends’ marriages. SEVEN. IN ONE YEAR. (Of course this doesn’t include the playing music in strangers’ weddings, these were just the friends’ weddings..) Marriage was in the air. I thought I was next. NOW, I am so thankful that I was not next. But, back then, when I thought the guy was “the one”, when I got dumped the day before Valentine’s Day (2008) because he met another girl on a camping trip, I was devastated. It took me maybe 8 months to get over that heartbreak.

Looking back I know that I lost myself in that guy. I wanted to see him every day, I wanted to like the things he liked, and I changed my personality to suit him. That was WRONG.

I have never lost myself like that again and will never do that again. Sure, I’ve been in a few other relationships, but I never let myself get lost in them. I can’t stress enough how important that is.

b3791524654aed3954f4254b998f5bbbI have learned so much about myself since that first relationship. I know that I am very independent and self-reliant. If I guy gets too clingy, I’m out! I can afford to pay for my own dinner, but I want the guy to pay, whether it’s a cheeseburger or a filet mignon. I hate football and will not watch football for a guy. He can have his alone time with the game, but don’t expect me to watch it. I know that I deserve to be treated with respect and I want to be important to someone. (This goes for relationships AND friendships..) I want to be given flowers just because and I want a guy to always get me a birthday present! Also, I hate to admit this, but if my parents don’t like a guy I’m dating (look away if you’re reading, mom!!) there’s probably a reason. I like a man who dresses well and wears good shoes. I love going to the ballet and the symphony, but I CAN go by myself. I know who I am and I will NOT settle for anything less than I deserve. If I end up 50 and still single, I’m totally okay with that. I’ll see the world in the meantime and have a pretty awesome life.

If you’re reading this and you’re struggling with confidence, my advice is to get to know yourself. Date some wrong guys (that’s where you really figure out what you do and don’t like). Find one friend who you can trust completely. I know I would have gone into some dark places if I didn’t have my best friend encouraging and supporting me. Also, don’t ever get into a relationship just because all of your friends are. Be unique.

You deserve so much and don’t EVER settle.

A Rant.

Sometimes you just need to rant. So that’s what I’m going to do…

I went to a banquet earlier this week. It was for a company that I used to work for. I was looking forward to seeing everyone for the first time in several years (also, I was having a damn good hair day). So I run into my first old coworker. First question she asks me.. No lie.

“So is there a special guy in your life?”

Me:pissed-me-off-you-have-300x233

I mean REALLY?! WHY MUST I HAVE A GUY IN MY LIFE?!!!!!!!! ARRRGHHH! Remember when the Oscars last year made a big deal about “ask her more” than what she’s wearing? That needs to start up in normal life, except instead of ask her more than clothing, ask her more than if there’s a “special guy” in her life. Ugh. Bleh.

So I make niceties and get the hell away. Oh! I’ve run into another coworker. First statement:

“Katy, I didn’t even recognize you!” (I was blonde when I worked there)

Going well so far.. Insert polite chitchat.. We’re doing good..

“So are you seeing anybody?”

Me: giphy

The night is steadily going downhill. I get seated at a table with a bunch of other single ladies (I mean there were a couple of teenagers, but still!). This is great! We’re ladies and we’re awesome.

Well, one girl, I think she’s 21 or 22, starts texting and she’s giggling. I ask her in a silly voice if she’s texting a guy. She replies “sadly, no”.

Me: pissed-off-lil-girl-gif

Ugh! Don’t be sad about it!!!!! You can have your sad days, I GET IT. But for real. Just be happy. If the right guy comes along GREAT, but don’t just be sad and alone. Do stuff. And whatever.

Okay this post is going downhill. Here’s another angry gif.
761215ef92598dfe47d40b10be7672d6

Rant over.

Adventures in Flirtation

I spent this past weekend flirting outrageously and it was FANTASTIC. I wasn’t flirting to try and get a date, I wasn’t trying to make anyone jealous, I was just flirting for the heck of it. It was so much fun. Where did this happen, you may ask?

The Renaissance Faire.

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I will cut you.

Let’s be honest, I’m a huge nerd. I love Harry Potter and Star Wars and Lord of the Rings and if it was socially acceptable I would wear a costume every day of my life.

One of the many things I love about Renaissance Faires (yes, that “e” on the end is intentional) is that people are totally open to everything. There are people dressed as dragons, endless corsets, pirates, belly dancing, jousting, and giant turkey legs. I am more of an introvert normally, but there is something about this atmosphere that eases me out of my shell more than usual. There are no expectations, so you can just chat up a random pirate and not feel weird about it. No one is asking for your number (because cell phones don’t exist yet, duh) or coming on to you in an uncomfortable way.. It’s just a great time of flirting and laughing and having a blast.

I got invited to play music with a Pirate Band and it was so much fun. In actuality, I think I had too much fun, if the bags under my eyes today are any indication..
12805677_10154714379742627_4882396791598932224_nWhat does this have to do with being single? I honestly think that if I had had a significant other I would not have had nearly as much fun. Who knows? All I can say is that I love Renaissance Faires and flirting. And alliteration.

Let the flirtations begin! Huzzah!

How To Enjoy Being Alone

When I mention being all by myself, I imagine this is what people are picturing:tumblr_m4g4ye1lev1qac2a8Sure, I’ve been sad and sang that song in a car before, but it’s been like twice… And I think both were after breakups.. Anyways, it’s a weird concept, to enjoy being alone.. Here are some things that help me in my alone-ness..

Get a pet. I have a cat who pretty much goes everywhere I go (including work). If you don’t like the high maintenance of a cat or dog or just can’t afford one, get a fish. Beta fish are like $2 at the pet store. There’s something about a pet that just makes you feel like you have someone there with you.

Take yourself out to a fancy dinner. Now, I know that eating alone can be super weird. But it’s also kind of liberating to buy the Filet Mignon and not worry that your date can’t afford it (I don’t think I’ve ever dated anyone who could afford the filet…). Bring a book along if you feel awkward just sitting there. Put on some fancy clothes and indulge yourself. You deserve that Filet Mignon, damnit!

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I just really love this gif..

Take a trip. I haven’t actually done this yet, but I have put a deposit down for it! I am turning *cough* 30 *cough* later this year and am treating myself to a two week solo trip to New Zealand! I’m a bit nervous but also really excited. I’m going with a group of strangers, so it will be an opportunity to make new friends from all over the world! I used to think that I would wait to get married and take these big trips with a husband. But seriously, why would I wait?! What if I never get married? Or what if we can’t afford to take trips like that? I’m not going to wait around for a possible future husband to start living my life and adventuring. Now, you may not want to go across the world by yourself, but maybe you could take a two hour road trip to the beach and rent a condo for a couple of nights. Maybe you go to Disney World by yourself (single riders get on the rides faster anyways)! Just get away, do whatever you want, eat whatever you want, and have fun!myxtftt
Treat yourself to a spa day.
This is one of those things that I think is actually better to do alone. You can get all of the treatments and not have to talk to anyone in between them, except to order your next mimosa.

Stuff your face. I eat healthy most of the time, but there are some points in a woman’s life when she needs to stuff her face. Get a pizza exactly how you like it and eat the whole thing. Eat an entire box of girl scout cookies with no one to judge you or ask for any of it.

Anyone else out there learning to enjoy being alone? What do you do?

 

Losing Friends to Marriage

my-friends-are-all-getting-married-im-getting-drunk-quote-1In my first post, I mentioned how I have lost several friends to marriage. I hope I don’t sound bitter, or overly upset, but it is something that has happened to me on several occasions. Also, I must say that I do have a couple of married friends who are as close to me as sisters and I don’t feel uncomfortable or that we’re in completely different areas of life, so this post doesn’t apply to every single married person.

All that being said, with the majority of my friends who have gotten married, this is the case. Our friendship completely changed, or fizzled out altogether. It seems that they only want to do stuff with other couples. When we do hang out, they only want to talk about their husband, or they only want to talk about their kids. It makes you feel like you have nothing in common anymore. You feel like they have left you behind, and that can be painful.

I would say, if this happens to you, try not to take it too personally. I know that’s kind of a cheeseball thing to say and it’s not easy. The fact is, you are in different stages of life, and you do have different priorities. They suddenly have a permanent roommate of the opposite sex and want to be with them all the time. I’ve gotten to a place where I don’t blame them anymore.

198d37af66a2b69f38af69be5fa09d80Take some time to mourn the loss of that friendship, but then move on. It doesn’t help to dwell on things you can’t change. You can only call a friend so many times with them cancelling on you every time. I know it’s super hard making new friends. BELIEVE ME. Find an activity where you meet new people.. Join a bookclub, find a new church, join a ballroom dancing class, or a ladies’ poker league.

To any married people reading this, I would tell you, don’t forget about your friends who are unmarried. I mean, do you know how much money they just spent on all of your wedding activities? Between the bridesmaid dress, the alterations, the bridal shower, the lingerie shower, taking off work, couple showers, ENDLESS SHOWERS… It adds up. ANYways.. My point is, your single friends have invested a lot into your friendship (and not just money). They might be dealing with jealousy that they haven’t found their guy yet, and losing you is hard. If you do spend time with them, don’t yak endlessly about your marriage or your kids. Of course they want to know what’s going on with your life, but marriage and kids is something they can’t relate to yet. It’s not the only thing they want to hear about. If you do this, they’re probably zoning out and checking their phone constantly to see if it’s a reasonable time to leave yet. Just, be mindful. Think of how you felt when you were the single lady.

Anyone else out there dealing with losing married friends? How do you deal?

 

I Hate Bouquet Tosses

wedding-bouquet-ideas-stems-wrapped-in-burlapI am a wedding musician and have been to around 250 weddings. For the majority of them I am just background music, and I don’t mind it, but I really don’t like just attending weddings anymore.I need something to do. I’d rather be a bridesmaid than just attend. Give me something to do! ANYTHING!

Being single at a wedding is just painful. Everyone is coupled up and if you aren’t part of a couple, you get put at the dreaded singles table with other uncomfortable strangers. You spend the entire reception rolling your eyes at couples “dancing” (I put that in quotes because it’s pretty much just swaying to music) and you keep checking your phone to see if you can leave yet. You also get those people who haven’t seen you in a while asking if you brought a date. Or, even worse, “Oh, have you met so and so? He’s here alone too!” Gag.

I would recommend bringing a girlfriend to the next wedding you have to attend. Who says that the “and guest” has to be a man? It’s so much more fun going with your best friend. You have someone you trust to talk to, someone you can talk to about how ugly the bridesmaid dresses are, someone to judge the food with, and someone to drive you home if you visit the bar a few too many times. Heck, you even have someone to dance with. (No awkward swaying dances for me, no thank you.) Also, you have someone to fend off strange guys who you definitely don’t want to dance with.

Anyways.. Back to the subject of this post –  I hate bouquet tosses.bridal-bouquet-toss-femalesLook how silly they look. (I can say this because I’ve been one of them too many times to count.)

Bouquet tosses are just a reason to round up the “available” women like cattle and laugh over who is the most desperate to catch the bouquet so they can be the next one to get married. Do you know how many bouquets I’ve caught? At least 7 that I can think of. Am I married? No. Bouquet tosses are a stupid tradition. If I ever get married, I won’t do one. It’s kind of humiliating. My suggestion is to skip the bouquet toss at the next wedding you attend. Hide in the back of the crowd so you don’t get called out. It’s a silly superstition and it doesn’t work (not that I would want it to).

Do you have any wedding pet peeves? Any tips for getting through a wedding as a single lady?

And here is a terrible picture of me when I was in my early twenties in a terrible dress catching the dreaded bouquet. You’re welcome.
ugh.jpgIt does not need to be any bigger.

An Introduction

“A busy, vibrant, goal-oriented woman is so much more attractive than a woman who waits around for a man to validate her existence.”
Mandy Hale, The Single Woman: Life, Love, and a Dash of Sass

Hello there, gentle readers. My name is Katy. I am 29 years old and live in the Deep South. I am single and actually really happy about it.Empowerment-of-WomenFrom my experience, the culture in the South makes you feel that once you reach a certain age, you need to be on the lookout for a husband. When I was in my early twenties, that was my goal. Every relationship I entered, I would think to myself, “this is the one” (thankfully, I was wrong about those guys). I was on the search for a husband and ended up with a broken heart when the guy didn’t turn out to be “the one”. When I see someone for the first time in a while, the first question I get asked is “so is there a guy?” No! There isn’t! But there are way more awesome things about my life right now than a guy. Thanks for not asking.

What I have realized is that so many young women feel that there is something wrong with them when all of their friends are getting married and leaving them behind. I have been that girl! I can’t tell you how many friends don’t talk to me anymore because they’re married and can only do “couple” activities. (Oh wait, they DO call when they want me to come to their baby showers. UGH. Can I just say that I hate wedding and baby showers. I know that is a terrible thing to say, but there it is. I am over it.)

Once I got over the shock of losing friends to marriage, I discovered that I don’t really want what they have. I’m not ready to “settle down”. Sure, I want to get married someday, but what I have right now is pretty awesome. I am an independent woman. I do what I want, when I want. I spend my money on whatever I like and go wherever I want. Later this year, I am planning on taking a solo trip to New Zealand to celebrate my 30th birthday. I couldn’t do that if I was married with kids.

I hope that by sharing my story I will encourage at least one person to stop waiting around for a guy, and start living their life. Be awesome. Be empowered. Be SINGLE!