How I Found My Confidence

I know I post a lot about how I love being single and I don’t need a man and all that jazz, but it has taken work to get where I am.

I had my first relationship from age 19-21. Back then, the “plan” was to get married as soon as I graduated college. That was the thing to do. That’s what the culture is here. I remember in 2007 (when I was in that relationship) we went to SEVEN of our friends’ marriages. SEVEN. IN ONE YEAR. (Of course this doesn’t include the playing music in strangers’ weddings, these were just the friends’ weddings..) Marriage was in the air. I thought I was next. NOW, I am so thankful that I was not next. But, back then, when I thought the guy was “the one”, when I got dumped the day before Valentine’s Day (2008) because he met another girl on a camping trip, I was devastated. It took me maybe 8 months to get over that heartbreak.

Looking back I know that I lost myself in that guy. I wanted to see him every day, I wanted to like the things he liked, and I changed my personality to suit him. That was WRONG.

I have never lost myself like that again and will never do that again. Sure, I’ve been in a few other relationships, but I never let myself get lost in them. I can’t stress enough how important that is.

b3791524654aed3954f4254b998f5bbbI have learned so much about myself since that first relationship. I know that I am very independent and self-reliant. If I guy gets too clingy, I’m out! I can afford to pay for my own dinner, but I want the guy to pay, whether it’s a cheeseburger or a filet mignon. I hate football and will not watch football for a guy. He can have his alone time with the game, but don’t expect me to watch it. I know that I deserve to be treated with respect and I want to be important to someone. (This goes for relationships AND friendships..) I want to be given flowers just because and I want a guy to always get me a birthday present! Also, I hate to admit this, but if my parents don’t like a guy I’m dating (look away if you’re reading, mom!!) there’s probably a reason. I like a man who dresses well and wears good shoes. I love going to the ballet and the symphony, but I CAN go by myself. I know who I am and I will NOT settle for anything less than I deserve. If I end up 50 and still single, I’m totally okay with that. I’ll see the world in the meantime and have a pretty awesome life.

If you’re reading this and you’re struggling with confidence, my advice is to get to know yourself. Date some wrong guys (that’s where you really figure out what you do and don’t like). Find one friend who you can trust completely. I know I would have gone into some dark places if I didn’t have my best friend encouraging and supporting me. Also, don’t ever get into a relationship just because all of your friends are. Be unique.

You deserve so much and don’t EVER settle.

Losing Friends to Marriage

my-friends-are-all-getting-married-im-getting-drunk-quote-1In my first post, I mentioned how I have lost several friends to marriage. I hope I don’t sound bitter, or overly upset, but it is something that has happened to me on several occasions. Also, I must say that I do have a couple of married friends who are as close to me as sisters and I don’t feel uncomfortable or that we’re in completely different areas of life, so this post doesn’t apply to every single married person.

All that being said, with the majority of my friends who have gotten married, this is the case. Our friendship completely changed, or fizzled out altogether. It seems that they only want to do stuff with other couples. When we do hang out, they only want to talk about their husband, or they only want to talk about their kids. It makes you feel like you have nothing in common anymore. You feel like they have left you behind, and that can be painful.

I would say, if this happens to you, try not to take it too personally. I know that’s kind of a cheeseball thing to say and it’s not easy. The fact is, you are in different stages of life, and you do have different priorities. They suddenly have a permanent roommate of the opposite sex and want to be with them all the time. I’ve gotten to a place where I don’t blame them anymore.

198d37af66a2b69f38af69be5fa09d80Take some time to mourn the loss of that friendship, but then move on. It doesn’t help to dwell on things you can’t change. You can only call a friend so many times with them cancelling on you every time. I know it’s super hard making new friends. BELIEVE ME. Find an activity where you meet new people.. Join a bookclub, find a new church, join a ballroom dancing class, or a ladies’ poker league.

To any married people reading this, I would tell you, don’t forget about your friends who are unmarried. I mean, do you know how much money they just spent on all of your wedding activities? Between the bridesmaid dress, the alterations, the bridal shower, the lingerie shower, taking off work, couple showers, ENDLESS SHOWERS… It adds up. ANYways.. My point is, your single friends have invested a lot into your friendship (and not just money). They might be dealing with jealousy that they haven’t found their guy yet, and losing you is hard. If you do spend time with them, don’t yak endlessly about your marriage or your kids. Of course they want to know what’s going on with your life, but marriage and kids is something they can’t relate to yet. It’s not the only thing they want to hear about. If you do this, they’re probably zoning out and checking their phone constantly to see if it’s a reasonable time to leave yet. Just, be mindful. Think of how you felt when you were the single lady.

Anyone else out there dealing with losing married friends? How do you deal?

 

An Introduction

“A busy, vibrant, goal-oriented woman is so much more attractive than a woman who waits around for a man to validate her existence.”
Mandy Hale, The Single Woman: Life, Love, and a Dash of Sass

Hello there, gentle readers. My name is Katy. I am 29 years old and live in the Deep South. I am single and actually really happy about it.Empowerment-of-WomenFrom my experience, the culture in the South makes you feel that once you reach a certain age, you need to be on the lookout for a husband. When I was in my early twenties, that was my goal. Every relationship I entered, I would think to myself, “this is the one” (thankfully, I was wrong about those guys). I was on the search for a husband and ended up with a broken heart when the guy didn’t turn out to be “the one”. When I see someone for the first time in a while, the first question I get asked is “so is there a guy?” No! There isn’t! But there are way more awesome things about my life right now than a guy. Thanks for not asking.

What I have realized is that so many young women feel that there is something wrong with them when all of their friends are getting married and leaving them behind. I have been that girl! I can’t tell you how many friends don’t talk to me anymore because they’re married and can only do “couple” activities. (Oh wait, they DO call when they want me to come to their baby showers. UGH. Can I just say that I hate wedding and baby showers. I know that is a terrible thing to say, but there it is. I am over it.)

Once I got over the shock of losing friends to marriage, I discovered that I don’t really want what they have. I’m not ready to “settle down”. Sure, I want to get married someday, but what I have right now is pretty awesome. I am an independent woman. I do what I want, when I want. I spend my money on whatever I like and go wherever I want. Later this year, I am planning on taking a solo trip to New Zealand to celebrate my 30th birthday. I couldn’t do that if I was married with kids.

I hope that by sharing my story I will encourage at least one person to stop waiting around for a guy, and start living their life. Be awesome. Be empowered. Be SINGLE!